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Half of Brickell Residents Discovered to Be Sexy Robots

Today, city commissioner Hidalgo Sentilla disclosed the findings of his "Brickell: Who Lives There Actually Besides Fucking Lame-Os in Dumb Hats That Hang Out at Blue Martini" study. The results were shocking. The commission found that approximately 50% of all Brickell residents were robots.

“It’s really eye-opening, we expected a high number, but half is a majority if you round up,” said Sentilla.

"How can so many people be 35 years old and so fucking healthy looking?"

The study found that half of Brickell residents are actually mindless automatons that craftily parrot the latest phrases, share the most popular memes online and go to whichever restaurants algorithms tell them to go to on a frequent basis. Unfortunately for Sentilla and the commission, it is unclear at present how to tell a normal Brickell resident apart from a BrickellBot.

“They all look and act the same, they are all so menacingly healthy, how can so many people be 35 years old and so fucking healthy looking? All of their clothing is so new, it's like they all bought their bodies in a store. We don’t know if they sleep or not or even where they sleep. It’s so eerie dude,” related a scarred Sentilla from behind the smoke cloud of a nearly finished cigarette. At first, we thought it might be due to the effects of income inequality on health and beauty, but we quickly wrote that off, then the only remaining explanation had to be robots.

The question now becomes where do the robots come from and what should the city do about them? Should the city work towards removing the BrickellBots and bring their creator to justice? Should the robots be given modified rights?

“Look man, I-I jus- I just, whatever man, fuck it, I don’t know anymore. Fuck Brickell.”

For now, at least, Brickell seems fated to be a playground for the bots.

written by Michael De Armas