The Plantain
latest

LEAKED: The Most Popular Baby Names of 2018 by Month

Our secret and reliable sources have revealed to us what parents will name their newborns in 2018.

January: Eleven
Stranger Things will be at an all-time high popularity in January. Most people will be eager to jump on the hype but will only finish season 1, thereby naming their kid “Eleven”.

February: Black
Marvel’s latest and greatest movie, Black Panther, will hit the theaters in February. Just like we saw with the huge upticks of kids named Thor, “Black” will be a testament to Disney’s supremacy.

March: Jennifer
Some names are just popular some months. “Jennifer” is popular in March. We may never really know why.

April: Mind Flayer
Looks like people finally finish up season 2 of Stranger Things in April. The Mind Flayer was really the show stealer this season and I guess it stole the hearts of America while it was at it.

May: Queen
The summer will bring unprecedented success to the Netflix series, The Crown, which will be as popular as Game of Thrones. Similar to naming their kids "Khaleesi" last summer, parents will name their newborn “Queen”, not realizing that it is a title.

June: Chill
Rising global temperatures and political tensions will have smart parents name their kid “Chill”, thereby having a calming effect on everybody when the child’s name is called out.

July: Trump
War-time patriotism strikes again. The moment we get into a war everyone starts talking about how we need to stand behind our Commander-in-Chief. People opt to go for "Trump" instead of Donald so as not to get confused with the duck.

August: None Available
The month of August will not have any popular names because fuck August.

September: Kim Jong-Un
Huh. That’s well I guess his speeches have had a certain oomph lately?

October: Kim Jong-Un
Once again the most popular name will be our Supreme Leader and God's “Kim Jong-Un”. You know why. Now get a haircut.

November: Rocket-Man
Glorious Leader had embraced the nickname which the fool and pretender assigned him, in turn, the New Korean People have embraced him and it in their hearts. In honor of the Unified Korean Nuclear Program’s completion, all babies born in November are to be named “Rocket-Man”.

"December: OOK “OOK”: Un uuh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

Written by: Ajinkya Dedge