The Plantain

County Theologians Outraged At Proposed 1-395 Plans

The County's religious leaders are fuming about the proposed plans for Interstate 395. “I’d say we’re more like terrified,” shouted Chaplain Ernesto Greenstein. “The planned design is a direct link to our end of days.” Greenstein was referring to the Old Testament’s Book of Revelations, which serves as the Bible’s finale where a “seven-headed dragon” puts an end to mankind. It’s a chilling coincidence that Revelations 3:95 states, “Man’s travels in the south shall be hindered with a path to his well-deserved doom.”

There does seem to be a striking resemblance between the planned roads and the beast depicted in the Bible. Greenstein’s hands perceptibly trembled as he smoked a
filterless Camel. “Didn’t we learn our lesson when the Palmetto Expressway was built on Opa-Lockan Tribal burial land in the 70s?” Greenstein was referring to the landmark
1978 lawsuit, Opa-Locka Tribe vs Dade County, where the tribal elders ostensibly cursed the Palmetto, causing decades of unconscionable traffic issues.

Local religious experts are asking the public to pray this Thursday, 2:00-2:30 pm, that the construction and our doom be swift and reasonable.

By Richard Wickliffe

Author image
Milo is the Editor of the Plantain. He went to college.
Miami Website